Once more
Laying awake at night 
This time without the excuse 
Of even a partially legitimate 
Reason
Just having spent hours on end
Working on something
That ultimately proved 
Unnecessary 
Like so many things seem to
Now you're all pumped  
On adrenaline and cortisol
Only negligibly spiced with caffeine
At least you’ve gotten better at that 
Handling the propensity for addiction
Not taking into account the thankfully 
Always dependable 
Stress hormone cocktail
Which tonight you have to admit 
Tastes quite a bit off
The dense flavour of barely contained 
Anxiety
Almost completely unmasked
Even amplified by the mixed in 
Chunky bits of raw 
Solitude
In the face of the ever-shifting 
You are not drunk of course
You are too strong for that
Or are you really
You actually like sitting 
Quietly aside 
Observing it slowly 
Going to your head
With that detached 
Just a touch blurry 
Lucidity 
Of one unaccustomed to drink
You try to keep your mind clear
And get a firm grasp
On what may still be considered 
Stable
So what if you’ve lost
A little side note on your life
That made you feel nervous 
But also 
Subduedly excited 
It really seemed to be opening a new 
Pathway
In the vast 
Undifferentiated mass 
Of the unknown
Now you must find another wave 
You can firmly grip 
Then mount and ride into oblivion
How about this secret thrill 
You get at night
Laying flat on your back 
Seeing you can once again feel
The never truly forgotten 
Ascetic protrusion 
Of your iliac bone
For the moment perceptible 
To the touch
Not to the naked eye
Yet
For timidly
It seems to keep wanting to hide
Under the soft creamy white 
Cushion 
Of painfully rejuvenated flesh
It’s true 
Nothing is as it used to
Not ten fifteen twenty years ago
Not even yesterday  
But maybe  
If it’s not too much of a heresy
Just plain old idolatry
You can simply get a hold of 
Yourself
Grab this hidden
Quietly enduring 
Skeleton 
So amazingly adept at withstanding 
Just about everything
Including the harsh passage of time  
And turn it 
Into the sturdy 
Unshakable foundation of the 
Universe 
At least for a while 
What if solely your while 
Going back to whom you once 
Were
Or pretended to be   
Finding a way to resurrect 
Those faded away parts of you
Not the ones you managed to pull 
Out like suffocating weeds
And heroically buried
By yourself
In the backyard
But the ones you inadvertently 
Lost along the way
Especially the bits and pieces 
Of childhood and youth
The time and times you never 
Truly got to live 
You may still have a chance now
Even with the desperately accelerating 
Increasingly neurotic 
Dance of time 
No one will notice 
The white hairs or the fine lines
As long as you let yourself 
Shine  
From the inside 
At least so some say

(2022)

Sursă foto: Million-wallpapers.com

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