Yes I'll admit
This is not quite how I’d expected 
To spend the end of last year
The second pandemic one
As they got into the habit of saying
I think I hoped until the very 
Last day 
That something would finally unclench
From the weirdly replicated 
Limbo states of stagnant possibility
Although a part of me whispered
It might not actually happen
As it had stubbornly refused to 
For months before 
Needless to say this second 
More maturely subdued voice 
Was right
And because I had taken it into account  
Conscientiously following the recipe for 
Surrender
Or simply letting go 
I was prepared 
And indeed kind of excited
My first time alone
It honestly sounded so grown-up 
And put together 
Being able 
On such a night especially
To fully lean upon my own presence  
Invisibly supported for sure 
But not relying on the crutch
Of another warm body    
Excluding my cat of course
So the cards were meant to fall
It seemed 
And I faithfully went with it
I didn't try to escape
By seeking refuge with family
Or by accepting the last minute invite
Of a needlessly concerned friend
My only attempt 
At actually bringing something into fruition
Was asking someone to come over
One or two days before 
Despite thinking other plans
Might already be in place
And yes
It was not meant to be
So I calmly got ready 
For a party of one
Plus a cat of course
The good part was I didn't have to fuss  
Over the preparations
The house cleaning or the food
I could make do with some bread and fish
Such a biblical image I know
A few tomatoes discreetly
Elevating the mix 
Then something to drink
My champagne replacer I forgot to buy
And grapes were not to be found     
On the Eve 
But that was something I could live with 
The only thing that kind of 
Threw me off-track
Or maybe on the contrary
Exactly on it 
Was the rather too much compassion I sensed 
In a conversation I had 
The day of
That served as a passing gate 
Towards some things I was aware of feeling 
Or having felt
But probably hadn’t 
Properly looked in the eye before
So New Year's ended up being
Quieter than I would've thought  
Even the fireworks surprised me 
They were just decently loud
Not bringing to life the suburban
Apocalypse I’d feared
For the furry souls  
The mood overall was pensive
Though not falling into gloom
The usual midnight messages 
Coming and going 
Not really feeling the need for
Filler entertainment
Music or old funny skits
At times just finding myself staring 
Into the colourful equally unblinking 
Christmas tree lights 
Managing to enjoy the eccentric
But otherwise quite select 
Company of my own thoughts
The cat I think 
Should've gotten more attention
Would've used more hugs 
Kisses and squishes  
But honestly she seemed 
Quite fine overall 
Might've have even let out a secret 
Sigh of relief 
Then went to sleep as usual 
As did I
At about five in the morning
Why wreck such a refreshingly 
Messed-up habit

(2022)

Sursă foto: Unsplash.com

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